This site is using cookies: We use cookies to personalise content and ads, to provide certain features and to analyse our traffic. We also share information about your use of our site with our social media, advertising and analytics partners. If you have not used your browser settings to prevent this website from setting cookies then we consider that you have given your consent for us to use them. [More Details]

A new joke thread

wannabee bailey
15:28, Friday 17 February 2017
Agnes and Betty are in the garden of their nursing home, smoking.

A few drops of rain fall. Agnes takes a condom out of her handbag, cuts the end off, slides it over the cigarette and continues smoking.

Betty says "what have you put over your cigarette Agnes?"

"A condom - stops my cigarette from getting wet"

"Where did you get it from"

"They sell them at chemists shops."

The next day, Betty goes into the chemists and asks for a box of condoms.

"Do you want regular ones, ribbed, coloured or flavoured?"

"Doesn't matter as long as they fit a Camel"

The chemist fainted.
www.sevenstarphotography.co.uk
Messages
Reply
Tweet Topic
Quote

Registered users can enjoy SHA without adverts for less than £1.00 per month. Click here for more details...

Re: A new joke thread

notts_blue replying to wannabee bailey
15:33, Friday 17 February 2017
I thought this was for new jokes?
magna on relationships
"Why don't we ban couples because you know, some people get a little stabby when they are broken up with"
Messages
Go to top
Reply
Tweet Topic
Quote

Re: A new joke thread

Freud replying to notts_blue
15:33, Friday 17 February 2017
I thought this was for jokes?
Messages
Go to top
Reply
Tweet Topic
Quote

Re: A new joke thread

A_n_E replying to wannabee bailey
15:34, Friday 17 February 2017
what's red and hangs from a c**t? piers morgan's tie
AnE - conspiracy theorist, ardent viler-hater, nutjob cyclist, Cubie-bater, go-to iconoclast
Messages
Go to top
Reply
Tweet Topic
Quote

Re: A new joke thread

Thongs replying to wannabee bailey
15:35, Friday 17 February 2017
here's some for you...if anyone asks where you got them from just tell them Stevetheflash sent them.

Ever since buying a digital camera, I can only think of it’s positive points. There aren’t any negatives.

How does Santa take photos? With his North Polearoid.

Photography is a developing hobby.

A friend of mine is always going on about photography jokes. You just can’t shutter up.

If I had a penny for every time I had to change my camera battery, then I would have been able to get the battery cover off.

When a friend retired from a lifetime as a photographer, he moved to a Old Focus Home.

A friend of mine wanted to be a photographer, but didn’t put enough effort into it. He just waited to see what developed.

I saw two chaps walk into a photography shop yesterday. You would have thought one of them would have seen it.

The only person happy with a 100% crop is a farmer.

We all have a photographic memory. Just some of us are lacking the film.

I had to give up my career as a photographer. I kept losing focus.

I think my pet crocodile is an amateur photographer. He’s a bit of a snapper.
This post is paid for by Small Heath Alliance

Never EVER forget!

[www.smallheathalliance.com]
Messages
Go to top
Reply
Tweet Topic
Quote

Re: A new joke thread

*<:o)8 replying to A_n_E
15:36, Friday 17 February 2017
Red lorry, yellow lorry
Red lorry, yellow lorry
Red lorry, yellow lolly
Damn.
Messages
Go to top
Reply
Tweet Topic
Quote

Re: A new joke thread

SteveCherry replying to wannabee bailey
15:38, Friday 17 February 2017
A racist, a misogynist and a rapist walk into a pub and the barmaid says "What will it be Mr President?"
She's playing with fire, he''s not ready for nibbly pig...
Messages
Go to top
Reply
Tweet Topic
Quote

Re: A new joke thread

notts_blue replying to SteveCherry
15:39, Friday 17 February 2017
A penguin walks into a bar and asks the barman, "Have you seen my brother?". The barman says "I'm not sure, what does he look like?".
magna on relationships
"Why don't we ban couples because you know, some people get a little stabby when they are broken up with"
Messages
Go to top
Reply
Tweet Topic
Quote

Re: A new joke thread

Thongs replying to notts_blue
15:41, Friday 17 February 2017
A white horse walks into a pub and orders a pint. The barman says "we have a whiskey named after you". The horse replies "What? its called Pete?"
This post is paid for by Small Heath Alliance

Never EVER forget!

[www.smallheathalliance.com]
Messages
Go to top
Reply
Tweet Topic
Quote

Re: A new joke thread

*<:o)8 replying to Thongs
15:46, Friday 17 February 2017
Dogs can't operate MRI machines
But cats can
Messages
Go to top
Reply
Tweet Topic
Quote

Re: A new joke thread

wannabee bailey replying to Thongs
15:46, Friday 17 February 2017
Even older than mine, that one.
www.sevenstarphotography.co.uk
Messages
Go to top
Reply
Tweet Topic
Quote

Re: A new joke thread

Barking Poslethwaite replying to *<:o)8
15:47, Friday 17 February 2017
A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, Ma’am, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$550!” she cried, “$550 just to tell me my duck is dead?!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $550.”
masqueraiding as a intelligent person
Messages
Go to top
Reply
Tweet Topic
Quote

Re: A new joke thread

NevBCFC replying to wannabee bailey
16:00, Friday 17 February 2017
What do you call a judge with no thumbs?










Justice fingers.
“ This stuff will make you a god damned sexual Tyrannosaurus, just like me.”
[www.hark.com]

[soundcloud.com]
[www.redbubble.com]
Messages
Go to top
Reply
Tweet Topic
Quote

Re: A new joke thread

The Purple Cow replying to Barking Poslethwaite
16:02, Friday 17 February 2017
Two cows standing in a field.

The first one turns to the other and says "Maisy, what do you think about all this mad cow disease then?"

Maisy chews the cud for a minute and then replies; "Well, it doesn't really affect me, I'm a helicopter."
Messages
Go to top
Reply
Tweet Topic
Quote

Re: A new joke thread

Power Knapp replying to wannabee bailey
16:07, Friday 17 February 2017
A man goes to the doctor after having returned from a safari in Kenya. “What appears to be the matter?”, asks the doctor. “I was on safari in Kenya, an elephant raped me and now bum’s very sore”, replied the man. “OK, drop your trousers and let me take a look”, said the doctor. The man bends over to reveal an @rsehole with a similar circumference to that of a football. “Oh my”, said the doctor. “How has this happened? An elephant’s penis may be long, but it’s very slim and wouldn’t be capable of stretching your anus to these phenomenal proportions”, continued the doctor. “He fingered me first”, replied the man.
Messages
Go to top
Reply
Tweet Topic
Quote

Re: A new joke thread

Mad Blue replying to wannabee bailey
16:09, Friday 17 February 2017
A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”
The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Not again …”
The truth is like Poetry but no one likes Poetry.
Messages
Go to top
Reply
Tweet Topic
Quote

Re: A new joke thread

bluearmyfaction replying to Power Knapp
16:11, Friday 17 February 2017
The Shannon Matthews drama reminds me of the Frankie Boyle joke. "How come the ugly ones are always found alive?"
Messages
Go to top
Reply
Tweet Topic
Quote

Re: A new joke thread

The cat next door replying to wannabee bailey
16:14, Friday 17 February 2017
An English cat called One Two Three had a swimming race with a French cat called Un Deux Trois. One Two Three won Un Deux Trois cat sank.
Messages
Go to top
Reply
Tweet Topic
Quote

Re: A new joke thread

Micky Darrell replying to Power Knapp
16:22, Friday 17 February 2017
What do you call a cake with……

What do you call a man with a cake on his head?

Victoria :D


Woman…… a woman.



Sponge…… sorry.
Messages
Go to top
Reply
Tweet Topic
Quote

Re: A new joke thread

Tall replying to wannabee bailey
16:27, Friday 17 February 2017
I'm going out with a bird with really bad eczema. She's got cracking tits
It doesn't matter if you're rich or poor. Just as long as you've got chickens.
Messages
Go to top
Reply
Tweet Topic
Quote
  • Get £2.50 off at FunkyHampers.com
    From Sweet Hampers to Chocolates and Retro Gifts to Flowers, FunkyHampers have exclusive gifts for all occasions.
  • Advertisement
  • Handmade Turned Items
    Looking for a unique gift? Browse our website for handmade turned items.
Advertise your business to thousands of Brummies »